What I really want for Christmas is a top- of- the- range, carbon-framed, Specialized time-trial bike in purple and white with some jazzy Zipp 404 wheels and a pair of PRO Missile Evo aero bars.
However, unless someone wants to buy several fantastic, talented and very well-bred horses before Christmas Eve, I know that is unlikely to happen.
So, just in case there are not enough people in horse-buying mood, I thought I’d compile a Christmas wish-list, from which you can take your pick…I hope that’s ok?
1) I’d really love a volume switch and, in particular, a mute button for all five children and Jonathan – preferably one that can be operated by a remote control that only I can see and never gets lost.
2) Would it be possible to reconfigure Marigold’s three-year-old brain so that she no longer thinks it is grown up or fun to try to tip the contents of her potty down the toilet herself? Oh, and while on the subject, how about persuading her that it is fine to do number twos on her special seat in the bathroom so that she no longer feels the need to carry her potty into the living room (especially when we are having dinner or entertaining company or both)?
3) A gadget (more advanced than an elastic band or hair-bobble) to stop Annie hound’s ears dangling in her food. Wet dog-food ears are a) not a great look b) feel really icky when they brush up against your bare legs c) smell atrocious when they dry-off.
4) Does it need to be so dark at 4pm in the winter? Couldn’t you have a word with someone? It’d make evening stables just so much more pleasant.
5) I have a grey/white hair that keeps growing in the middle of my right eyebrow – plucking it out requires that I consciously acknowledge that it is there. Please make it go away for good?
6) I’ve lost about 7Ibs recently but plan to lose a few more in the hope that this will make me run faster. I don’t need any help with the weight-loss, thanks, but if you could stop my boobs disappearing completely, that’d be superb.
7) If you know anyone high up in the fashion industry, I’d really like next year’s must-have look to include odd socks, unbrushed hair, army trousers covered with horse poo, layers of lycra cycling tops, well-worn fleeces and Hunters.
8) Do you know any Super Heroes? I think I may have positioned my latest muckheap a bit too near to Granny’s garden – it’d probably only take a dozen or so good strong heroes a few weeks to move if they used their super powers wisely.
9) Just one recipe, excluding ice cream that everybody in our household likes and will eat, no ifs or buts.
10) A Range Rover, or any car really that has not been driven on at least four different occasions into two different gates.
11) To be able to have a long, hot, entirely uninterrupted bath in my own house, without having anyone bash relentlessly on the door screaming, come in for a poo, or march in already stripped naked and climb uninvited into my bath. This includes Annie Hound – who only last week sauntered into the bathroom whilst I was bathing and starting lapping out of my fresh cup of coffee which was perched on the side of the bath.
12) Smooth, soft hands with neatly manicured office-job finger nails – as opposed to weather-beaten, dirt-ingrained, haylage-cracked, broken-nail horse hands.
I think that probably covers it. If I think of anything else in the meantime, I’ll email you. Merry Christmas, Lucy x
P.s. I’ve been a really good girl all year, I promise!