Santa Baby

Dear Santa…

What I really want for Christmas is a top- of- the- range, carbon-framed, Specialized time-trial bike in purple and white with some jazzy Zipp 404 wheels and a pair of PRO Missile Evo aero bars.

However, unless someone wants to buy several fantastic, talented and very well-bred horses before Christmas Eve, I know that is unlikely to happen.

So, just in case there are not enough people in horse-buying mood, I thought I’d compile a Christmas wish-list, from which you can take your pick…I hope that’s ok?

1) I’d really love a volume switch and, in particular, a mute button for all five children and Jonathan – preferably one  that can be operated by a remote control that only I can see and never gets lost.

2) Would it be possible to reconfigure Marigold’s three-year-old brain so that she no longer thinks it is grown up or fun to try to tip the contents of her potty down the toilet herself? Oh, and while on the subject, how about persuading her that it is fine to do number twos on her special seat in the bathroom so that she no longer feels the need to carry her potty into the living room (especially when we are having dinner or entertaining company or both)?

3) A gadget (more advanced than an elastic band or hair-bobble) to stop Annie hound’s ears dangling in her food. Wet dog-food ears are a) not a great look b) feel really icky when they brush up against your bare legs c) smell atrocious when they dry-off.

4) Does it need to be so dark at 4pm in the winter? Couldn’t you have a word with someone? It’d make evening stables just so much more pleasant.

5) I have a grey/white hair that keeps growing in the middle of my right eyebrow – plucking it out requires that I consciously acknowledge that it is there. Please make it go away for good?

6) I’ve lost about 7Ibs recently but plan to lose a few more in the hope that this will make me run faster. I don’t need any help with the weight-loss, thanks, but if you could stop my boobs disappearing completely, that’d be superb.

7) If you know anyone high up in the fashion industry, I’d really like next year’s must-have look to include odd socks, unbrushed hair, army trousers covered with horse poo, layers of lycra cycling tops, well-worn fleeces and Hunters.

8) Do you know any Super Heroes? I think I may have positioned my latest muckheap a bit too near to Granny’s garden – it’d probably only take a dozen or so good strong heroes a few weeks to move if they used their super powers wisely.

9) Just one recipe, excluding ice cream that everybody in our household likes and will eat, no ifs or buts.

10) A Range Rover, or any car really that has not been driven on at least four different occasions into two different gates.

11) To be able to have a long, hot, entirely uninterrupted bath in my own house, without having anyone bash relentlessly on the door screaming, come in for a poo, or march in already stripped naked and climb uninvited into my bath. This includes Annie Hound – who only last week sauntered into the bathroom whilst I was bathing and starting lapping out of my fresh cup of coffee which was perched on the side of the bath.

12) Smooth, soft hands with neatly manicured office-job finger nails – as opposed to weather-beaten, dirt-ingrained, haylage-cracked, broken-nail horse hands.

I think that probably covers it. If I think of anything else in the meantime, I’ll email you. Merry Christmas, Lucy x

P.s.  I’ve been a really good girl all year, I promise!

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8 Comments

Filed under christmas, disorder, Family, humour, large families

8 responses to “Santa Baby

  1. Susi Rogers-Hartley

    Dear Santa, If Lucy is having a bike and Super Heroes, I would very much like a powered wheelchair (in pink) that flies! I am forever running aground in the mud getting the horses in and I am too embarrassed having a tractor to pull me out…… Or better still, make the mud go away!
    Merry Christmas, Susi x

    P.s. I’ve been a really good girl too, far better behaved than Lucy!!!!!!!

    • Oh Susi, I’ve changed my mind – what I really, REALLY need for Christmas now is an uploaded Facebook photo of you and your wheelchair stuck in the middle of your horse field being towed out by a tractor 🙂

  2. Dear Santa, I would like enough money to buy one of Lucy’s very lovely baby horses….especially the bay 3yo she has (he is super handsome!). That then may go some way to a. getting me the xmas present I want, and b. getting Lucy the bike she wants….see 2 birds with one stone.

    P.s. I too have been exceptionally good this year!

  3. Amy Walters

    Love it ! I have been very good this year too and would love to ask Santa for one of Lucy’s youngsters, but don’t think Santa will deliver me one 😦 the best I would get is a hobby horse . Never mind there is always next year .

    Ps Santa I have been very good too !!

  4. Lucy I cannot tell you how much you make me laugh..your life sounds mental but just fab!!I Hope your keeping all of this because I think its the next Bridget Jones book/movie..keep writing. X

    • Thanks Ingrid, I’m glad this has made you smile! I plan on keeping it up but might settle on probably one blog per week, once it is nicely established. Keep reading! Lucy 🙂

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